Everything Begins With an Ending

This blog begins with the death of something quite large, though I am a bit unsure as to what that really is. Perhaps the blog is the last lament to true human interactions in a world that has gone digital. Perhaps the blog marks the beginning of the end of Western Civilization and human physicality; the laughter of friends, the lover's kiss, and a mother's soft and comforting cradle may, at worst, be endangered by this overwhelming and yet subtle behemoth that we call the internet and all her social implications. But, just perhaps, it gives us a tool, in an increasingly busy and distant world to share some piece of ourselves with those who mean much to us. Which is the truer sense of looking at the blog I cannot say (though I suspect a combination of both), but in an effort to keep in close contact with friends and family I intend to not so much document, but share about my life as it grows, changes, and adapts over the next few pivotal years. I will miss the passing conversations beginning with, "How are you?" and "What's new?" and hope that, in some small way, this blog can be a substitution for the very small, but oh so significant chatter that fills our lives.


Issues of psychology and societal philosophy aside, this blog, on a personal level, begins with a death as well. In one month I will be moving from Oshkosh, WI, having just graduated from the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh with a Bachelor's degree, to our Nation's Capital to continue my education in pursuit of a Master's degree in Catholic Theology. On the surface, it seems simply a step forward and a shortish move to a slightly warmer location, but this move could not carry any more significance in my life. It signals my movement from childhood to adulthood (though I am still grappling with the meaning of these terms). It signals the end of a very large and beautiful chapter in my life. I will be leaving behind the city of my birth and childhood, the city of first loves, best friends, family, normalcy, and the center of everything that I know to embark on an exciting, but terrifying journey to a very different city and a very different life. People are the centers of our life and I am leaving behind everyone that I've ever known and all of the people that have meant so much to me. I face change on the grandest scale and it certainly rings loudest with melancholy and a touch of the bittersweet.


Words are funny things. They are weightless and yet they can weigh us down, trip us up, and can be a source of great difficulty. I will never be able to tell all of the people around me how much I will miss them and what they have meant to me. Thankfully, words can also be the source of our greatest joys. It is often times easier to speak what we really feel with the time and reflection that must be put into writing. Hopefully, I will be able to say and speak things through this blog that I would have otherwise been too embarrassed, shy, inattentive, or forgetful to say.


In the face of so many unknowns and endings, I have a great excitement for my future. I will certainly keep in close contact with those I love and I will see them as often as life permits. My relationships will change, but they will remain. I do not face to lose very much, but I may gain much more. Education, independence, warmer weather, a bigger city, and sheer newness all sound pretty exciting right now.


I wanted to start this blog now, as opposed to that first week in DC, because I think that endings are a crucial part to new beginnings. How can we understand the future without the past? The next month will be bittersweet as I try and pack in as much time as possible with all the people I love before I move. I could never have enough time. But I know that it will be an interesting month and I'm happy that Nick brought up the idea of blogging now. I can't promise that every post will be serious, entertaining, informative, or even coherent, but that should be an accurate portrayal of life.




Thank Yous are in order-

For the past year I have lived at Fr. Carr's Place 2b helping, hopefully in some small way, to feed the hungry and give the homeless in our area a place to stay. I wish I could say that I worked as hard as I could have. I didn't. But I do feel that I learned quite a bit about myself and the world over the past year and I hope that in giving some of my time to help the place that I helped for things to run just a bit more smoothly. I had the privilege of meeting so many new people and have felt very loved and supported, even when I'm hard to live with. I really appreciate all that everyone has done for me here and I will always feel a part of this family.


I also need to thank my friends. We've spent a lot of time together and helped each other through the painful and sort of absurd process of 'growing up,' whether we knew it or not. I have been shaped and molded by this group in innumerable ways and I could not have made it a day past 5 without them. We've always been there with each other and I know that that will continue on with those closest to me until we sit on a porch somewhere, pipes extending from wrinkly faces, discussing the good old days of the summer after freshman year, nights in the Campus Center, ketchup popsicles and "...if anything it's gonna be a mountain", Call of Duty at Kev's, weenie whistles etc. etc. (you know who you are).


My girlfriend has stood by me through thick and thin (literally). I've really learned a lot from her and she means the world to me.


Mr. Renner is the subject of an entire book, but along with my parents, he has introduced me to Truth and been absolutely instrumental in my life. Words fail epically in trying to sum up his significance. Indeed, my whole move, education, and career choices stem directly from his influence. (A lot of professors would tell me to lose the comma after 'education' in that last sentence, but I stick by it because that's the way Mr. Renner said it ought to be done and anything else is simply an English heresy of modernism and laziness). In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis mused that those who have had the largest impact on our lives and our relationship with God, those who have taught us and helped us discover ourselves, the world, and our Source greet us in heaven and show us all that is to be seen. For Lewis, this was George MacDonald and if this is truly how heaven works and if I have succeeded in life only through God's infinite mercy I am positive that I'll be looking for Mr. Renner to introduce me to heaven just as he has always done.


I owe my biggest thanks to my parents. They have loved me unconditionally for 22 years and I know that that alone has pushed them to the brink of sainthood. (My brother seems more than capable of providing that final nudge). I owe everything to them for making my life and dreams attainable via financial support, but more importantly through teaching me by word and example how to be a decent human being. They taught me to keep things in perspective, to always do the right thing, to work hard, and keep things tidy. I'm still working on all 4. I hope that in some way, I can resemble them as I grow older and that all of my childishness and crabbiness will not outweigh their pride in who I will turn out to be. They have been the clearest picture of Christ to me as they continue to sacrifice their entire being for my brother and I.


There are so many countless people who I could and should thank. There are so many countless family members, friends, and acquaintances that I wish I could have more time with to grow closer, but I suppose that is always the case with life. All of these people have been a part of who I am.


I apologize for the length of this post and also for its overdramatic flare. As W.B. Yeats said, "Being Irish, I have an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains me through temporary periods of joy." He was a funny guy.


I'm reminded of another quote. I'm not sure if he made it up, but my father certainly said it a lot growing up. It goes something like, "You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, but guess which one will fill up first." Here's hoping that you all can have a laugh or two at me as I try to figure out what being an adult means. Here's also hoping that God blesses you all and that relationships stay strong even as life, work, school, marriages, travel, etc. puts physical distance between us. Start a blog yourself and we'll keep in touch.





Dominus Vobiscum,
Taylor